If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
