I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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