good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
