Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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