i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
