cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
