That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
