sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
