I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
