What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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