Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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