is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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