The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
