Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What a dumb baby whore.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
