Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my shit smells like andre
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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