I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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