How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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