She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
