I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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