Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
