he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
