That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
