The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
