I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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