So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
