I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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