why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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