I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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