I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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