I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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