Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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