I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
