He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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