i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
