i wish there were pregnant emoticons
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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