Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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