i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
