he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
