Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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