I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize