I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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