I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
