don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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