like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
