If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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