call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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