Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
