It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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