Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
