look no pants
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
