glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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