chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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