happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
