the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
