I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
false alarm, still single
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