apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
