is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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