Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
