I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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