i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
