I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When are your genitals available?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
