Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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