Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
