Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
