you would pick up someone in the library
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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